My story ... *awkwardly gives a thumbs up*

Quick disclaimer this isn't something that I take lightly. I'm not looking for any attention I just want explain my story and tell you guys where I'm at. Anyone who knows me personally knows that from October 2017 - March 2018 thing weren't great. If you're for help I hope I can links are at the bottom. If your from my school read if you want but there's not need to go talking about me. You might think you know what was going on with me during this time but trust me no one knows the whole story but here you go. 

So I was looking for some paper so I could take an artsy photo. Then a found a notebook that wasn't destroyed by my darling sister. I know wowzers how interesting. I opened it it read what it said. It brought back memories that weren't pleasant. I was sat on the floor crying for a full ten minutes because of what the book was about and me remembering how I felt.

I need to explain what the book was about so you see why I'm an emotional wreck at the moment. So as I've indirectly mentioned I have self harmed for multiple reasons and at the start of the school year I really wasn't in a good place. There was lots of drama at school and home. My head was a mess and I needed a way out. I wanted to replace the emotional  pain with physical marks and pain to almost get rid of it. Trust me it doesn't work. It' just a downward spiral that gets more serious by the second. You can get addicted to doing this and things can go wrong very quickly.

I was very sad for a while but then I got very angry. I just had a lot of hate and disgust towards so many people and things because they caused me so much pain and I was now in a situation where I was hurting emotionally and physically because of everyone around me. I wanted everything around me to just go away. I was taking days off school because I didn't want to be around them. Then I realised this is your life and they clearly aren't going away so maybe you should. If you don't understand I wanted to commit suicide.

I had a bunch of migraine pills and I was going to take a bunch and then just end things. There was no reason for me to be alive I thought I didn't have a purpose so what was the point. Then I picked up a notebook and was going to write a note to everyone that caused it. Then decided that wasn't enough. These are the people that caused this they need to see and know what the've done. I thought they needed to feel the pain I felt and should live with that. So I started writing my story. Every event in detail of what was happening. They might have thought they did nothing wrong but then had so I wrote everything from my perspective. I was of school this day and my parents were at work and my sister was at school so I had a few hours. Whilst writing I realised so much had happened that a few hours wouldn't be enough.

The story continued I was writing and writing every evening. It was then I realised I'm enjoying this. This was making me happy, which was something I hadn't felt in forever but it felt amazing. I don't remember what happened but I stopped writing after a while.

I started self harming but was no longer constantly thinking suicidal thoughts. I realised ok maybe there aren't people to live for but there are definitely things to live for : Writing, Music, Asa Butterfield, Netball, horse riding and so much more. I wasn't Happy Larry but I had almost come to a place of peace.

I got help with my self harm and officially today I haven't self harmed in a month. I've been diagnosed with anxiety which was something I didn't think I had but it makes sense. If you're wondering how I stopped self harming I made a list. This list was off things I have to do before I can ever cut again. Everything was either impossible or highly unlikely. It might not work for you but somehow it helped me.

As for my book I've realised writing is something I love to do even if I'm not the best and it's hard with my dyslexia but it's great practise. Now the book isn't to get back at everyone and make them feel bad for what they've done. It's so I'll always remember mys story and maybe even tell it to other people. If it got anywhere as long as it can help just one person isn't that better than me sat here crying whilst looking at the book feeling sorry for myself.



If you are going through similar stuff here are some links to websites I hope they help ( these are british charities comment or dm me for more or ones in you country). I know it's not easy to talk as it took around 8 months for people to know. Just keep smiling and find your notebook, find the thing that makes you happy :

Samaritans - Suicide prevention 
Childline - Helps with most things
Harmless - Self harm
Mind - Mental health
Beat - Eating disorders

My insta is @jennyrose.xx if you need to talk

That all for now, bye from the darkside

~ Jenny Rose